Funk

I know it's just a temporary thing, but I feel like I'm in one of those funks where everyone is passing me by. Specifically, my female teammates. It likely stems from the fact that my last big accomplishment was a year ago. My teammates are out there competing and even if they aren't doing well, they're trying. One of them went through competitive white belt brackets at NAGA to win gold and silver in gi and no gi. The other competed at NAGA as well. She's in California for work and was able to stop in and train at Atos, and got to roll with Andre and/or Keenan tonight. Earlier this month she received a sponsorship and got a free gi as part of the deal.

To be clear, I really like my teammates and am so stoked for them when they do well. They are my friends and I want them to succeed. It's not so much jealousy as a worry that in the process of them gaining respect of our teammates that I will lose respect. In hindsight, that's a ridiculous notion, but it's there, nonetheless. I had to remind myself earlier today during class that we all walk our own paths. I cannot concern myself with how others choose to walk this path. I can't worry about relative progress. If someone progresses at a faster rate than I do, it's not a negative reflection on me. It doesn't detract from my own forward motion. It's a lot easier to say that crap than to actually believe it. I'm being smart with my money by not spending close to $200 to travel and compete at regional tournaments. I have to be smart with my money to stay on top of the mortgage. It's really ok if I don't compete (and other people do).

Part of my malaise stems from my recent rash of physical issues (flu, back, knee, cold) and from an impending belt promotion. It's easier (not easy) on the ego if a white belt gives you loads of trouble if you're a blue belt. If you're a purple belt, that's going to be much more difficult pill to swallow. My concern is that I'm going to be so laid back about it to protect my ego ("Yeah, I'm just going to chill in side-control while this white-belt manhandles me b/c my ego is so no involved") that I'm going to go too far in the other direction. I doubt that will happen, but I do worry about turning into an apathetic fish.

Most of this will probably pass once my physical ailments have passed and I feel like I can roll to the best of my ability. Just one of those nights.