It occurred to me this morning that I want to win. As simplistic and as obvious as it sounds, up until now that idea wasn't in the front of my consciousness. Of course if you compete, the goal is to win. But there's a distinction between wanting to win b/c it happens to be the desired end result of competing and really wanting to win for victory's sake. I'm not sure the reason for the turnaround, other than maybe I'm tired of being crushed in class with the exception of a few bright spots. Truly, I'm ready to take on some people that are my size and skill level and see if my training (in and out of class) has paid off.
I've never really been afraid of losing, but I don't think I've ever really wanted (or expected) to win either. It's a philosophical shift for me, and I think it's good as long as I keep my emotions and expectations in check should I come up short. At that point, BJJ will cease to be fun, and it's important to me to enjoy it whether I win or lose or never compete again.
My desired performance: (probably) pull guard, sweep, side-control, mount, submission. Move efficiently and quickly. I want to be the strongest and quickest one on the mat. Deliberate movements, controlling the matches at my pace.
I'm really glad that I have a warm-up tournament next weekend to get the jitters out of the way for Pans. The guys have been complimentary and they expect me to do well...although I can't tell if they are sincere or just trying to give me confidence.
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