Smash

6/26 - Downtown

Technique portion of class was good, we did half guard passes. Had four rolls and with the exception of the first (with a white belt), I felt like I was getting crushed the entire time. I honestly didn't even feel competitive. It wasn't an issue of cardio or energy. Was more like my technique was utter crap. At one point I got pulled into a triangle, realized it was tight and tapped quickly but still saw shooting stars when it was released.

I'm really, really not a fan when my chosen hobby makes me feel small. Like I'm nothing more than a speed-bump or grappling dummy for my teammates. It's so hard to see progress when I predominantly roll with upper belts b/c they are progressing at the same (if not faster) pace. I would like to be more competitive instead of defend, defend, defend all the damn time. I'm almost never on the offensive unless it's against a white belt, and even then I find myself in bottom side if it's a wrestler or athletic/big guy. Being in bad positions is a necessary part of learning and improving, but this s*** gets old when you're spending 95% of your time there. There isn't a single blue belt guy that spends as much time in s****y positions as I do. Is my technique that bad, or am I screwed b/c I'm female? Either way, there's nothing I can do about it except keep going to class and keep getting smashed. Fun.

I can't hang out in this rabbit trail too long b/c it's downright depressing. I see a future where I keep going to class 5-6 days a week, and my good days consist of not getting smashed as much. Sure I can spend a s*** ton of money competing against people who are my weight and gender. Maybe I have success. That is 1% of the time that I spend on the mat.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. It's hard to justify this sport today.

Probably just a down day and might be a carry-over from yesterday.