Letter from a Virus

o.m.g. I LOVE ATHLETES!!!!!

that's not entirely true.

it's more like a love/hate relationship.

i hate them b/c their overall health is so damned good with all that muscle, all that bone density... the initial barriers are formidable, to say the least.

BUT

they more than make up for strong constitutions by running themselves into the ground. they run. and run. and run. and run. i wait, b/c i know that the serious ones are running to something that is invariably going to be an epic moment in their lives, and when they reach it, i slide right in...smooth as butta.

it's tough to get introduced to an athlete, but as with so much in life, it's about timing. if you make the most of an opportunity, those bullheaded oafs won't even know you're there until it's too late. they're so damned focused on their goals that they don't listen when we...ahem...make acquaintance. but sooner or later, they get the message. comatose style.

once you get introduced to one of them, it's ridiculously easy to latch onto their pals, b/c these athletes tend to travel and do their special whatevers in a PACK. and their travel conditions? well. it boggles the imagination. let's just say that the situation is often RIPE with opportunity. it's the fucking platinum elite club for our kind. i get positively giddy just thinking about it.

the funny part is that i'm often posterized as an evil bastard, but the reality is that i don't want to drag you to your knees. i'm not trying to wreck your life. people (especially single-minded athletes) take it so personally. dude! i'm just looking for a home. a place to hang my hat awhile. don't you realize that we'd get along a lot better if your antibodies weren't all up in my shit? you wouldn't feel so bad, and i wouldn't feel this sense of rejection. i have feelings too, y'know?

speaking of which, could you please knock off the goddamn vit C?!?! for fuck's sake, it's like being smothered with teddy bears.

peace out!